Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
