I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
