On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
