shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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