there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
