Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
