where am i from again
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize