She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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