im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
