I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
