I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know her cup size but not her name....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
