You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
