My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
