wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I need moral support for this bender
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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