she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you never un-have a 4some
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
