a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
