i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
