then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
