I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
