first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
