She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
