Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
