I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
