True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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