I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
