i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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