i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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