Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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