just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
