Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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