I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize