I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i came on her dog
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
