This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
