I wanna bring you to show and tell
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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