this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
