i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize