I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
