i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
