Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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