Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
