I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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