he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
