you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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