When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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