I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
is it fun? or sober?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
