i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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