No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
