I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
