this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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