Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
