none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
