don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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