i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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