mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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