my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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