Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
whose ass print is on the piano?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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