she looked like the before picture.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
