You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
