you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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