He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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